::DAVE'S SITE:Fools - Exerpt ::
Script created with Final Draft by B.C. Software, Inc.
[
bottom
]
The screen is completely black.
JESSE (VO)
(venomous)
I'm the kind of guy who goes to a topless
bar asks for milk.
The CROWD laughs.
1. INT.-BOSTON'S COMEDY CONNECTION-NIGHT
The house is packed for JESSE REêR, an up and coming 28 year
old Latino comedian. He stalks the audience, his lean frame
strutting back and forth along the stage. His demeanor is
calm and his movements are smooth and deliberate, suggestsg
more years of experience than he actually has. He's a natural
and the audience loves him.
JESSE
I'm the kind of guy who goes to a karaoke
bar and sings "Cop Killer." I'm the kind
of guy who goes to Nation of Islam
meetings and yells "Where da white women
at?" I go to the UN building to laugh at
the tourists. I go to Klan meetings for
the exercise. And when I go into the next
world, I want to go with a smile on my
face... and some lucky woman between my
legs. Why? 'Cause that's just the way I
am.
The audience are in tears.
JESSE
Thank you, Boston. Good night!
JESSE leaves with the sound of thunderous applause and
raucous laughter. He shakes the EMCEE'S hand and walks
backstage.
EMCEE (OS)
Jesse Re’r! Give it up for him!
2. INT.-BOSTON'S COMEDY CONNECTION-BACKSTAGE/BAR-NIGHT
The applause is till ringing as he walks backstage, which is
a small alcove with seats and tiny video monitors. Another
COMEDIAN watches the set as he waits for his turn on-stage,
and pats JESSE on the back as he passes.
He snakes through the winding hallways to reach the bar. The
bartender has finished pouring a kamikaze for JESSE, just as
he approaches. JESSE takes up the drink and downs it in one
gulp. He slams the glass on the bar, and winces as he feels
the vodka on the back of his throat. He takes a deep breath
and forces it out.
JESSE
(ironic;)
Tough crowd.
3. INT.-BAR-NIGHT
JESSE brings a pitcher of beer to a table where three other
comedians sit. They are THE AMAZING JONATHAN, a magician-
comedian wearing a red suit, BRIAN REGAN, a clean cut, young
man wearing a beige suit and tie, and CARROT TOP, a curly,
red haired prop comedian. They're all laughing as JESSE sits
down. JESSE turns to JONATHAN with a five dollar bill.
JESSE
Hey John, can you break a five?
JONATHAN
Sure.
JESSE hands JONATHAN the bill. As JONATHAN reaches for his
wallet, his nose flares. He lets out a monster sneeze as he
quickly covers his face with his hands . He blows his nose
forcefully. JONATHAN looks at his palms, then offers JESSE
five crumpled, wet dollar bills.
JONATHAN
(fake sniffling)
Here you go. Sorry about that.
JESSE holds the limp bills in his hands, but is laughing.
JESSE
Good one.
JESSE starts to pour the beer. BRIAN puts his hand over his
glass.
BRIAN
That's it for me.
JONATHAN
Why?
JESSE
We don't need a designated driver. We're
cabbing it.
BRIAN
I'm driving out to Rochester later this
morning.
JESSE
For a gig?
BRIAN
Yeah.
JESSE
Fly.
BRIAN
I would, but I promised to see some
family in Ithaca beforehand. I'm driving
to the gig from there.
JONATHAN
Do you have to see them?
BRIAN
Yeah. It's not my mother, but you know
it'll get back to her if I don't stop
over, even for breakfast.
CARROT TOP
Mom's always know.
JONATHAN
I think it's radar.
JESSE
No, it's sonar. They're called sisters.
They all laugh.
BRIAN
Actually it's an aunt.
CARROT TOP
Well, that's your mother's sister, so
he's on point.
JESSE
Women.
CARROT TOP
Yeah, women.
JONATHAN raises his beer glass high and speaks in a guttural
tone.
JONATHAN
To women!
The others raise their glasses and follow suit.
JESSE, BRIAN & CARROT TOP
To women!
They toast each other and guzzle their beers sounding like a
mix between Vikings of old and a band of gorillas. As he
downs his drink, JESSE's eyes widen as he sees someone across
the bar. He grabs BRIAN by the chest to get his attention.
He points at the the young WOMAN sitting at the end of the
bar. She is barely 25, chestnut brown skin, wearing a hot
pink halter top, a black PVC mini skirt and matching pink
platform shoes.
BRIAN
Ooooh, sweet.
JESSE
Ya think?
JESSE puts his glass down as he stands up.
CARROT TOP
You're not going over there?
JESSE
And why not?
CARROT TOP
Dude, she's out of your league.
JESSE
You don't know my league.
CARROT TOP
It's pee-wee ball, right?
JESSE
Yeah, yeah. Quiet before I hit you with
the Louisville slugger here.
JESSE grabs his crotch for accent as he heads to the bar.
JONATHAN
Break a leg.
(To CARROT TOP)
No, she's out of your league, not his--
Charlie Sheen's pal or not.
CARROT TOP digs into his knapsack. He pulls out a foam
"Number 1" hand with the middle finger sticking up, and
smiles.
JESSE makes his way to the bar. He sizes the WOMAN up a bit,
then pours on the charm as he slides up next to her.
JESSE
Hey, how're you doing?
She slowly turns to him, none too happy with his approach and
less so by what she sees.
WOMAN #1
(coldly)
Hello.
JESSE
Whoa, hold on there. I'm trying to be
nice. You don't have to get all cold on
me.
WOMAN #1
What do you want?
JESSE
I want to buy you a drink.
WOMAN #1
And then what?
JESSE
(confused)
And then what, what?
WOMAN #1
And then what are you expecting after
that? I've been holding you guys off all
night and I'm tired. Are you willing to
do some time with me or are you just
trying to get your swerve on for the
night? Now, if you're not gonna try to
figure out my mind, then my body is off
limits. Save your drink money and drive
on up to Chelsea because I am not some
skeaze!
JESSE has no comeback because his jaw has hit the floor. He
tries to hang in there.
JESSE
Wait a minute. You don't even know me and
you treat me like that?
WOMAN #1
No, but I know your type.
JESSE
No, no, no. You're assuming I'm a type
and not a person, which is what you're
accusing me of doing to you. I don't
think that's fair.
WOMAN #1
Good. Now you know how we feel.
JESSE is amazed at the reception he's getting.
JESSE
What the hell? I expect this bullshit
from my audience, not from a fine women
like yourself.
WOMAN #1
Audience?
JESSE
Yeah. You don't know me?
WOMAN #1
Should I?
JESSE
Jesse Re’r? The comedian?
She stares at him and starts to laugh. JESSE is even more
confused.
JESSE
What?
WOMAN #1
You're the comedian, and you can't make
me laugh? Oh, that's funny.
JESSE scowls at her.
JESSE
In that case, fuck you and good night.
JESSE walks off as the WOMAN continues to laugh. As JESSE
heads back to the table, the others are laughing at his
misfortune.
BRIAN holds up a napkin with the number "4.5" written on it.
CARROT TOP waves his fist while holding up the foam finger.
JESSE sits down.
JONATHAN
Well?
JESSE
Dyke.
JONATHAN
(sarcastic)
See, I told you there was a reason.
JESSE
Plus she dissed the profession.
The others gasp, stand up and stare at her in horror.
JONATHAN
That bitch!
They shake their heads and sit back down.
BRIAN
Aside from that, your approach fucked you
up.
JESSE
What?
BRIAN
You can't come off like the big playa all
the time and expect to get anywhere.
JESSE
Playa?
BRIAN
(sarcastic)
Hey, I can hang.
(beat)
Look, women don't take you seriously if
you refuse to take them seriously. You
can't be like "wassup? Yo baby, yo baby,
yo," all the time and hope to get them
into bed. They expect a little romance.
JESSE
Fuck romance, man. Nail her pussy to the
wall like a trophy.
BRIAN smirks and shakes his head at him.
BRIAN
That's why you're still single.
JESSE
And marriage has been so good to you?
BRIAN
Well, at least I know I have a date every
Saturday night.
JESSE
Yeah, but unlike you I want to make sure
I'm getting laid every Saturday night.
The others "ooh" at BRIAN, who knows he's been burned.
BRIAN
(mocking)
Aw, shut up guys.
JESSE
Right.
(beat)
"Wassup"? Have you been listening to
Eminem again?
They all start laughing.
EXT-BAR-NIGHT
JESSE, JONATHAN, BRIAN, and CARROT TOP laugh their way out of
the bar. BRIAN is the most sober of the bunch. JESSE,
JONATHAN, and CARROT TOP are completely trashed. They all
stagger off in different directions.
BRIAN
Guys, let's not do this again soon. Okay?
CARROT TOP
Bitch.
JESSE
See ya.
JONATHAN
Where you off to?
JESSE
You're the magic man. You tell me.
JONATHAN brings his hand to his head, arches an eyebrow, and
looks to the heavens with an overly dramatic flair. A second
later, he points to JESSE with his eyes aflame.
JONATHAN
(prophetic)
You... are going home.
JESSE
(sarcastic)
Amazing! See you later.
JESSE walks up the street.
MARTA (VO)
Jesse.
EXT.-REêR FAMILY HOME-DAY
It is a beautiful day in a small southern Californian suburb.
The home is a modest, single story family house, painted
yellow with red trimming. A woman 36, blonde, dressed in a
white, flower print dress, is hanging laundry on a line. She
is MARTA REêR, Jesse's mother. She puts up the last of the
clothes, reaches onto the window sill for a cigarette and
lights it up. She takes a long deep drag and lets the smoke
out slowly.
As she's smoking, she sees JESSE, aged 7, walking up the
block. He looks very depressed, and slumps his way home.
MARTA
Jesse!
JESSE doesn't respond, and continues to shuffle his feet up
the driveway. He holds his head down watching the ground as
he walks. MARTA sits on the porch steps and waits for JESSE
to reach her.
MARTA
What's wrong, Jesse?
JESSE, AGE 7
Nothing.
MARTA
Acaba, Jesse. Tell me what's wrong.
JESSE rocks back and forth on his feet for a minute, then
finally looks up at her. He has a few scratches on his face.
JESSE, AGE 7
Sean Michael called me a dumb beaner. We
were playing a math baseball game in
class and I missed a double-answer and we
lost, and that's when he called me that.
MARTA
And then what did you do?
JESSE, AGE 7
We got into a shoving match and I got
sent to the principal's office.
MARTA
Well that's what happens when you start a
fight.
JESSE, AGE 7
I didn't know what else to do.
MARTA
You fight back.
JESSE, AGE 7
That's what I did.
MARTA
Not like that. You don't have to hit
them. Why didn't you say something back
at him?
JESSE, AGE 7
Like what?
MARTA
Whatever you can make fun about him. Tell
him he's so dumb he thinks the word
"farm" is spelled "e-i-e-i-o." And he's
Irish, s’? Ask him if likes his father
giving him allowance in empty beer
bottles.
JESSE, AGE 7
Teacher said you shouldn't make fun of
someone's race.
MARTA
What is he's doing when he calls you a
beaner? Jesse, it isn't right to treat
someone bad because they are different.
But if they do it to you, do not back
down.
JESSE, AGE 7
The teacher says if they do it, I should
ignore them.
MARTA
That's very stupid advice. You defend
yourself. That's what you have to do.
There are ways of fighting back that
won't get you beaten up or expelled. If
he's getting kids to laugh at you, make
them laugh at him instead.
JESSE, AGE 7
But what if he tries to hit me?
MARTA
Then you hit back. No one can do that to
you and you can't let anyone get away
with it. Okay?
JESSE, AGE 7
Okay, but how do I learn these jokes?
MARTA
(sighs)
I have to teach you this too?
JESSE nods his head. MARTA smiles and pulls him close. She
starts to laugh and tickles JESSE who tries to squirm away.
As she is laughing, MARTA starts to cough. They start off as
small, short coughs at first, then builds up to a congested,
uncontrollable hacking fit.
JESSE
Mom. Are you okay?
Tears roll down her face as she nods her head. Her spasms get
even more violent. JESSE looks on helplessly at his mother.
JESSE
(worried)
Mom?
Globs of brown gunk are coughed up squarely on JESSE's head
and face. JESSE reacts in shock.
CABBIE #1(VO)
Hey!
5. INT.-TAXI-JAMAICA PLAIN-NIGHT
JESSE wakes up with a start. He looks up at the CABBIE who
has turned to face him. JESSE is groggy and confused.
CABBIE #1
Is this the place?
JESSE
(looking out window)
Uh...yeah.
CABBIE #1
Next time be careful. Someone could take
advantage of you. Nineteen-fifty.
6. INT.-JESSE'S APARTMENT-NIGHT
The answering machine light blinks. JESSE enters his
apartment, a studio bedroom with hardwood floors and beige
walls. There is the typical dormroom clutter of pizza boxes
and clothes-- this despite his post-college age. He goes over
to the phone, hits play on the machine, then collapses on the
couch as the tape rewinds.
CARMEN (OS)
(through answering machine)
Jesse, it's Carmen. Are you in? Okay
look, give me a call at the hospital when
you can. Mom doesn't have much time left.
Bye.
JESSE sits up and glares at the machine. He runs his hand
through his hair and plops his head against the couch.
INT.-JESSE'S APARTMENT-DAY
JESSE sleeps soundly on his futon. The phone rings. JESSE
tries to wake up with each ring. He looks in really bad shape
this morning. He crawls over to the phone, covers and all,
and finally answers the phone.
JESSE
Yeah?
CARMEN (OS)
Why do I have to hunt you down all the
time?
JESSE
I got in late. I was getting some sleep.
CARMEN (OS)
You mean sleeping it off, right?
JESSE
What's is it Carmen?
INT.-HOSPITAL ROOM-DAY
The small room has two beds separated by a blue floral
curtain. The combination of fluorescent lights and the
California sunlight against the yellow floral wallpaper,
makes the room bright but garish. CARMEN is on the phone next
to the window. CARMEN is a 25 year old businesswoman, with
red hair and dark tanned skin. She is ready to kill.
CARMEN
When will you be in town to see mom?
JESSE (OS)
(hesitant)
I don't know.
CARMEN
What do you mean you don't know?
INTERCUT CARMEN AND JESSE
JESSE
Just that... I have a gig in New York
tomorrow night, and I'm working on
getting a spot on a big comedy showcase.
CARMEN
Showcase? Mom needs to see you and you're
going off on a showcase?
JESSE
It's a big one. It's like a Latino Def
Comedy Jam, it's getting that much talk.
You might be talking to the next Bernie
Mac.
CARMEN
Maybe you should tell her that.
CARMEN picks up the phone and walks over to the bed.
JESSE (OS)
Look I can't right now. Can you tell her,
please?
MARTA is twenty-two years older now, but looks much worse for
wear. She has an oxygen mask on her face and various tubes
running over he bed. All the color in her hair has been
replaced by a dingy, unkempt gray. Deep wrinkles and blotches
now cover her face. Her eyes are still fairly youthful, but
they hold much more tears than laughter.
CARMEN holds the phone up to her ears as MARTA lowers her
mask to speak.
JESSE
Hello?
She speaks with much effort, strain, and wheezing and
congestion in her voice.
MARTA
Hello, Jesse.
INT.-JESSE'S APARTMENT-DAY
JESSE hears her voice, and grimaces. He holds the phone away
from his ears trying not to hear. He gives a deep sigh, and
brings the receiver back to his mouth. Her voice sounds even
more dislocated over the phone.
JESSE
Hi mom.
MARTA (OS)
How are you?
JESSE
I'm good. How are you feeling?
MARTA (OS)
I'm okay.
JESSE
That's good. You sound better.
MARTA (OS)
I feel much stronger today.
JESSE
That's good.
MARTA (OS)
When are you coming down again? I'd like
to...
MARTA has a coughing fit on the phone. The sound of air
escaping from her oxygen mask is heard over the phone. JESSE
tries to steady himself.
JESSE
Take it easy mama.
MARTA (OS)
I'm all right. Now when are you coming?
JESSE
It may be a while. I have quite a few
gigs. You know, if it were up to me I'd
be down there, but my agent has me all
booked up, you know. She wants me out
there going strong. I talked to her about
taking some time off, but she said that
things are happening fast right nowand I
shouldn't miss an opportunity. She booked
all these gigs for me and I can't back
out of it. I think I can come down in a
couple of weeks.
MARTA (OS)
Oh good. And I think I'll be better to
see you then.
JESSE
Good.
MARTA (OS)
Come when you can.
JESSE
Right.
(beat)
I love you mom.
MARTA (OS)
Love you too, Jesse. Bye.
JESSE fights back his tears.
INTERCUT CARMEN AND JESSE
Carmen has moved to the window, out of earshot from MARTA.
She speaks in hushed tones.
CARMEN
Do you hear her?
JESSE
I'll be down there when I can!
CARMEN
You may not have that long! You've been
dicking her around for the last year.
You're almost out of time.
JESSE
She's my mother too! And I am not dicking
anyone around. I'll be out there when I
can. Okay? Good bye!
JESSE slams the phone down on the receiver. He takes the
phone cord and rips it out of the wall. He covers his head
with his pillow and tries to sleep.
EXT.-SOUTH STATION-DAY
The sun hides behind gray clouds. Numerous commuters rush for
their trains or wait for a cab. JESSE steps out of a cab and
takes the stairs, duffel bag in hand. A female voice comes
over the loudspeaker above.
ANNOUNCER (OS)
Can I have your attention please. Can we
have a moment of silence for one of our
fallen comrades. Sal Roshman, who served
on the Lake Shore Limited for eighteen
years, a family man and friend to all who
ride the rails. A moment of silence
please.
JESSE looks up skeptically at the loudspeaker above. He
smirks and chuckles to himself. Suddenly, it starts to rain.
JESSE looks out at the now darkened sky, spilling rain over
the downtown area.
He shakes his head and walks along the train platform to the
bus depot. JESSE stops on the platform, reaches inside his
coat and pulls out a liquor flask. He stands and opens it,
takes a swig and continues to walk. A minute later the voice
comes back on.
ANNOUNCER (OS)
All praises due to our lord and savior
Jesus Christ. Please take our fallen
brother into your loving heart and keep
him well in your kingdom. Thank you.
Amen.
(beat)
The Lake Shore Limited three-o-four to
Chicago now boarding all passengers on
track ten. Please have your tickets
ready.
The message is repeated over the speakers. As he comes to the
end of the platform, he holds his bag over his head to not
get wet. As he enters the bus station he realizes that he
hasn't gotten wet because it isn't raining.
He looks up as the sun shines through the white clouds in a
blue sky. He stares up, looks at the flask, takes another
sip, and heads towards the escalators.
INT.-BUS-DAY
JESSE watches the scenery whiz by as the bus travels to New
York. He has a pad and pen in his lap. He has a few notes
scribbled on it, but his attention is elsewhere.
MARTA (VO)
So you're not even going to come to my
sick bed?
JESSE
I'll be there when I can, ma.
JESSE suddenly realizes he's having a conversation with no
one. He looks around at the other seats and spots an OLDER
WOMAN sitting in the seat directly across from him. She seems
to be contently staring out the window. JESSE leans over and
taps her on the shoulder. She turns around startled.
JESSE
You should mind your own business.
The OLDER WOMAN is startled and speaks to him in sign
language trying to figure out what he is talking about.
JESSE, surprised and embarrassed, backs away from her.
JESSE
I'm sorry ma'am. Sorry.
Jesse sits back in his seat.
[
top
]
Script created with Final Draft by B.C. Software, Inc.